Why Do I Play Small When I Want To Play Big?

I’m always the smallest person in the room. I will minimize my accomplishments all day long. I look at other therapists like they’re celebs that I’m not allowed to rub elbows with, only admire from afar. I never feel like I’m on the same or equal playing field.

It takes me so long to come to an important decision. It’s kind of ridiculous. I’m an Enneagram 1, which is the Perfectionist. I’m supposed to think with my gut. Sometimes I do, but most times I overthink it until I give up completely. 

I know what I want.

But do I deserve it? Instead of a fear of failure, I think I actually have a fear of success.

What does it mean for me to suceed?
What are my fears with doing the things that I want?
Why do I want to keep myself small?! 

Hi! I’m MacKenzie, your Self-Care Mompanion and founder of TheraMama Haven.

I love being in the room with other Therapists. The energy that flows, the instant friendships that are made and the unconditional support that happens is incredible. It keeps me grounded and excited about the next steps in all of my ventures.

I want to share that with you!

When you’re BIG, people expect more from you. What if I can’t deliver on that? What if my knowledge base isn’t enough? What if I don’t really know what I’m doing? (Hello, old friend Imposter Syndrome!)

Where do these thoughts come from? I’m gonna self-disclose so if you’re not into that, you can peace out at this point.

• My Mom was a social worker. She started a private practice and it didn’t survive.

• She told me if I was going to be a social worker, I HAD to go to grad school.

• My Dad was a farmer in the Midwest. It was rough.

• He told me recently that I might need to go back to work for someone else if my private practice wasn’t going well. 

All my life I’ve heard that I’m not going to be successful. Not in so many words, but that’s how my brain processed those anecdotes from my parents. So why wouldn’t I play small? Playing big and being successful isn’t possible for people like me. (I guess I’ll be processing that in my next EMDR session.)

Here’s the thing. I don’t want to play small. I LOVE my work. I love my Collective and I love my TheraMamas. And I still want to make more of an impact.

So, what can I commit to in order to fight my urge to stay small?

• I commit to reminding myself daily that I’m a player in this game! I bring shit to the table, too! I have reach with my words, my compassion and thoughts. I have 500+ people in my TheraMama FB group. That’s nothing to scoff at! 

• I commit to to intentionally fighting the urge to think that I can’t do this. I can! I’m an entrepreneur! I’ve learned from some of the very best! I’m creative. I love being around other colleagues. That’s when I’m my most creative self. I love teaching new clinicians the things that I’ve learned and how I’ve applied it to my business. 

I’m good at the work I do, as evidenced by the clients I have. I’m good at bringing other colleagues together to take care of themselves and network. I’m good at creating spaces for us to gather, come as we are and leave with buckets full of love, validation and a renewed appreciation for each other and the work we do. I do that! Sure, there are others that do it, too, but they aren’t me!

In closing…watch out, world! Here I come!!